Pitch or proposal, you decide
My Super-Brilliant Business Idea
Which I’m pretty sure is illegal
I’ve been thinking how to go about this — as a pitch or a proposal. If you don’t know the difference, it’s okay; but never start business if you don’t know this difference — or start business I don’t know I’m not a business coach; just some guy with an awesome idea.
So what’s the Idea?
I’m glad you asked. It’s human breast milk. No don’t go just yet — hear me out. Humans are mammals right? and by right we should feed our young with our milk because it filters nutrients from what we eat and neutralizes our new-borns (I feel I used that word wrong — but you get the idea).
We humans (as intelligent as we are) have been feeding our young ones with cow milk and then complain about people like George Bush (jr), some of us even resort to Goat and Yak milk… c’mon now! I tasted Goat milk once. It didn’t work for me but I did go vegan; that’s not the point here.
How is it that we rely on lower-intelligence creatures to nourish our new-borns?
Statistics (which I haven't read up on) say that we have outsourced baby milk to cows by up to 60%. Some babies came through CS and they say milk production isn’t as much when this method is employed (again — this is just hear-say). Some mothers just don’t make enough and then the last set of mothers (like Kim Kerdashian) say they won’t like the way their breast look in porn videos if they breastfeed — and I respect that, Kim. The bottom line is, WE NEED MORE MILK — and we don’t think it should continue to be outsourced to these Mexican cows.
Enter the Solution
After brainstorming with one person (who thought I was crazy), we came up with a brilliant solution. LET’S PACKAGE HUMAN MILK and be the solution (notice how I am using the word “solution” a lot?) for Kim Kerdashian. This way, we can do “exclusive” breastfeeding more religiously. and successfully. With Mamma instant Milk (MIM), every parent in the world can have breast milk even when they don’t have breast milk — and adults can also be a part of this near tasteless delicacy.
The next question you probably have is “How will you bring such an awesome idea to life?”
Well…. It began while I was thinking about Dagestan province, Russia. I thought to myself that I want to make them famous for something since their name sounds like something out of Game of Thrones (not the nonesense one they did afterwards). Then it hit me, THEY CAN MAKE ILLEGAL MACHINES FOR THE EXTRACTION OF MILK FROM HUMAN LADIES!!!
Okay get this straight — these machines didn’t exist before I had this thought, but they had something similar (for national security reasons, I can’t say explicitly what it is) and we adjusted it for the appropriate reasons. Next question was, where do source for product? This question was answered in Nigeria. As you may or may not know, the universities had been closed for 9 months (January to September) and the female students needed an occupation (other than hook-up and selling clothes on whatsapp which is basically the same as hook-up).
We wrote to the vice-chancellors of these schools and as expected, they didn’t respond favourably. It was terrible actually but we were not about to give up. We reached out to the girls directly. This is when the results started to come.
I got carried away there — this is not about our history and final triumph — let’s discuss the mechanism.
99.0% of girls in Nigerian universities have been through at least one abortion (this is yet to be proven) but what this flawless statistic means is that their bodies already understand pregnancy — this makes it easy for these machines to do their work. For two weeks, the ladies are “prepped” with some meds to help their bodies remember what they felt like pregnant and for the next 6 months, we have product.
Our factories or dormitories (as some would call them) are capable of holding thousands of gallons ready for world-wide delivery.
This part is tricky but you have to understand this will be pricey. The tech is illegal (as previously mentioned) and preserving human milk has proven to be tougher than that of cows, goats and yak! We have to build custom cold-rooms just to keep them up to 5 days. At this point i’d like to say my heart goes out to these ladies. I mean the money is good but still… it’s 6 months of what I’m very sure may classify as low-key torture. But it’s well worth it in the end because.
- Exclusive Breasting (again I feel that’s not the right word for that place)
- Fewer George Bushes in the future generation.
To this end, we will be shipping for $13.67 per 4oz. Shipping not included.
Unique Value Proposition
- NO ADDITIVES — Except for some vitamins here and there. However, a client can request for flavoring — remember tit’s very bland (pardon that typo — we meant to say it’s really bland). A complete catalogue of flavor is provided upon request and a token.
- Clients can request the type of milk they want or more specifically, from whom. Mostly we source from Nigeria and other places where the education system is struggling. Again,a catalogue (and instagram handle) of these ladies are shared with our highly placed prospects so they can choose — a token is also required for this (we really need to break even — those machines are not cheap, or legal. And we feed these girls you know. 6 months isn’t easy)
Surely you can see how genius this is. But just in case you don’t agree, I have disabled location on all my devices so I can not be found after now. However, if you are interested in being a partner of this new, new-age concept, send me a DM.
*PS — It’s really bland!